Community Comments

I recently read Through Adopted Hearts, a book of memoirs by birth and adoptive parents. One of the questions they were asked were, “What are some of the worst comments you’ve received as a parent?”

It made me think of my journey as a foster parent and some of the comments I have heard from well-meaning people that still hit me wrong. So I thought I would share my thoughts with all of you about my top five most hated comments from the community when it comes to fostering.

“You foster? I could never do that.”

I know that not everyone can foster, and not everyone should. But when you dismiss it so quickly, it’s like you put foster parents up on a special pedastal that make us super heros and absolve yourself of any involvement in foster care. Everyone can do something.

Instead of saying you could never foster, ask questions about what it’s like for me as a parent or how you can help. Bonus points if you ask how you can get involved in the foster care system in any way!

“I would get too attached.“

Do you think I don’t get attached? On every single social media post, I literally use #GetTooAttached. I get attached to every single baby who comes into my arms. And it hurts when every single baby leaves, even the ones who stay for a short time.

But if my heart breaks a little so that their hearts hurt a little less, then it is completely worth it. Providing them the experience of a family home instead of a group home at their young age and teaching them that people are safe and will meet their needs is the whole point of my life as a foster parent. And you can’t do that without getting too attached.

“I would just keep the kids. I could never give them back.”

As a foster parent, you don’t have a choice. You do not have full custody of the children in your care, so if you choose to keep them when a judge has ordered otherwise, that will be considered kidnapping and you will go to jail.

I know most people don’t actually mean they would face kidnapping charges to keep a child and they are trying to make light of it, but that belittles something that is a serious struggle within the foster care community. Disagreeing with a judge’s placement decision is something that so many foster parents have to experience, but we choose to foster anyways.

“Are the baby’s parents druggies?”

First of all, my babies’ stories are their own, and you are not entitled to knowing all it. I can share statistics when it comes to foster care, but you would be surpised by how often a child is removed from a parent who loves them and wants the best for them, but is unable to care for them at that moment.

Assuming that birth parents are awful human beings who care for no one but themselves is not the way to love my babies (who are connected to their birth parents no matter what you say or think), and it is certainly no way to love their birth parents. Just know that trauma is often generational, and people try to do the best they can with the resources they have at the time.

“Are you going to adopt?”

For me, the answer is always a firm no. My place in foster care is being an emergency short-term placement, not a permanent home. So this is an easy question for me to answer, but that is not necessarily the reality for most foster parents.

Most foster parents who agree to foster children long-term are also open to idea of being an adoptive placement. In fact, I know many other ESH homes who have adopted the children in their care. But assuming that we want that to be the outcome goes against the primary goal of foster care – reunification – and it pulls foster parents into an unknown future when all we can really do is live life in the present.

If you’ve said these things to me before, know that I don’t hate you! I know you’ve said them from a good place in your heart, whether that be genuine curiosity about my life or curiosity about the young life that’s been placed in my hands.

But now that you know better, you can do better. And more importantly, you can be part of educating the rest of the world about foster care and some of thing you should say to a foster parent.

Want to know more? Stay tuned for Community Comments – Part 2 to learn about my top five favorite comments about foster care from people around me!