I get told all the time that I’m so selfless for becoming a foster parent, and while there is some selflessness in signing up to take care of so many babies with so many needs, I get far more out of it than I put into it.
I was challenged today by my therapist to think about why foster care is so important to me. Why do I find it so fulfilling? What do I get out of it as a foster parent? How does it help me take care of myself?
The first part of my answer is easy – it allows me to live with a purpose in my life. Focusing on taking in medically complex and traumatized babies allows me to get outside of myself and focus on something and someone else, which is something I believe every human desires at least a little.
It gives me a sense of purpose that is bigger than myself, and as a Christian (which I know not all foster parents are), it ties into my faith as an example of God’s perfect love for me and for others becoming my own (not quite) perfect love for others.
But beyond that are answers that are harder to find. Fostering also gives me a built-in community, through other foster and adoptive parents, special needs parents, social workers, and pediatric doctors.
I get a sense of personal pride for doing good work, which I think is also something every human needs and desires. It can be hard at times, but knowing that I am making a difference in my babies’ lives helps me push through.
Fostering also grows me as a person in so many ways. It helps me work on my impatient and judgmental tendencies. It helps me become a better parent as I learn to meet different needs and basically earn an honorary medical degree.
One of the hardest ways fostering helps me is recognizing my own triggers, traumas, and trials, and forcing me to work hard in therapy to heal from them. As I have learned, I cannot help regulate a child if I am not regulated myself. And in caring for my babies, there are a lot of moments of dysregulation.
Fostering also forces me to take care of myself because I want to be at my best for as long as possible so I can continue to foster for as long as possible. On the days I don’t want to take my meds or eat good food, reminding myself that I am doing it for the babies somehow makes it easier to take care of myself. (Also something I’m working on in therapy!)
Finally, fostering allows me to love my babies the way I wanted to be loved as a baby. Don’t get me wrong – both my parents loved me, and I have a great relationship with them today. But we always learn from our parents, in the same way our parents learned from being raised by their parents.
Fostering fufills me in so many ways, that most days, it seems like I could never not foster. It’s that much a part of who I am and my life. It brings me so much joy, and I am so blessed to be able to call myself a mom.
My wish is to continue to foster for the rest of my life, and I hope that I can continue to get out of it just as much (if not more) than what I put in.
ESH Mom Life 