Mental Health and Fostering

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than one-fifth of adults in the United States has a mental health disorder or mental illness. Approximately 23% of adults reported having a mental illness.

When it comes to parenting, the stress and prevalence of mental illness is even higher. The Surgeon General published an advisory that showed nearly a third of parents self-reported high levels of stress.

Being a single foster parent for seven years now, I can only imagine that the numbers are even higher among single parents and probably even higher among foster parents due to the unique situations we face of trying to care for and raise children who are not legally ours and often come from traumatic experiences.

I myself have several mental health disorders that not only impact my life in general, but impact my parenting. I am diagnosed with autism, depression, anxiety, and cylcothymia. I’m grateful that having a mental health diagnosis does not disqualify a person from being a foster parent, but I know it has an impact on how I foster.

I have to utilize my community and resources to parent at my best, and a lot of that includes surrounding myself with positive reminders. I love this list of reminders from Healthy Minds NYC. Here are a few of my favorites quotes.

“Model mothering, not martyrdom. There are no rewards or medals in parenting for neglecting yourself.” So much of parenting is joyous, but it is a self-sacrificing position. I never want my foster children (or my godchildren, whom I live with) to think that parenting is about denying yourself to the point of burnout.

Jane Fonda said, “The challenge is not to be perfect, it is to be whole.” I want my children to have a mother who is whole, so I can be wholly be there for myself and for them.

Carl Jung warned, “There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.” This quote is hard for me to read because so often I make my whole life about being a parent. But if I continue to do that, even though my babies are little and need me almost constantly, I will eventually come to resent my foster babies for stealing my life.

I’m currently obsessed with the song “Hold Out for Love” by Francesca Battistelli. The beginning of the chorus says, “Maybe I’ll fall down/ Get lost/ Get found/ And get back up.” I feel like that sums up my journey with my mental health perfectly.

I fall down all time, consumed by my sensory struggles, depression, or anxiety. I get momentarily lost in myself, have something pull me out of my head, and then I dust myself off and get back to life.

So how do I do it?

I get myself a lot of small treats. I run almost entirely on Diet Coke and Vietnamese coffee (with some high-protein meals thrown in there) because they bring me so much joy while and help me tackle my work and writing with endurance.

I rely on babysitters, family, and friends to love on my babies for small amounts of times so I can get other things done. Half the time, I just want them to come over and hang out with me so I’m not alone as a I parent.

I also rely heavily on my neurodivergent-friendly therapist, psychiatrist, and parenting coach. All three of these people are professionals who help ground me and keep me working on myself.

Writing is also incredibly therapeutic for me. (Sorry to all the people who thought I wrote this blog solely for them!) Writing gives me a chance to organize my thoughts, put them down on (digital) paper, and wrestle with ideas until I come to a solution. And if I can’t come to a solution on my own, then I bring it up to the previously mentioned professionals in my life.

I sing for the worship team at my church a couple times a month. Not only does it give me a chance to use my classical vocal training, but it allows me to use a creative outlet on a regular basis and lets me do something to the benefit of others whether I have a little one with me or not.

Finally, I am part of several foster parent support groups that either meet virtually or are hosted on Facebook. These allow me to vent to other people who walk the same walk I am on, others who “get it” without me having to explain.

So much of mental health resources in foster care focus on the mental health of the children in foster care, and while that is so, so necessary, I wish there were more resources for parents, foster parnents specifically.