Into the Unknown – Part 2

It has been over two years since I published anything on this blog. In those years, I have started a PhD program (never thought I would be saying those words), welcomed countless more babies into my home and heart, gotten through Covid, and now find myself with a medically complex baby whose case is heading towards adoption – and I’m planning to adopt him.

Two years later, and I still very much find myself in a place of unknowing. I did not know almost a year ago that the little baby boy I said yes to would develop so many complications that he would become a medical placement. I did not know I would become an expert in all things feeding therapy, including how to feed a baby using a PEG tube. I did not know that I would say yes to keeping a baby with me long-term or even that saying yes to long-term would eventually become saying yes to a possible adoption.

I did not know that I would be figuring things out like childcare or how to hire a private nanny or even how to work with an organization to help cover the cost of said nanny. I never thought I would say yes to keeping a baby as he turns one and becomes a toddler, something I swore to myself I would never have in my home again.

I also did not know that I would say yes to having two babies at the same time, something I did for the first time last August (twice). And something I have found myself saying yes to yet again now. I never thought that I would say yes to having both a toddler and a baby at the same time, especially since there is no blood relation between the two tiny humans. Yet here we are.

I’m not really sure what I mean to say as I reflect on all these changes other than to reiterate what I have already said – the only thing known about foster care is the fact that there will be so much that is unknown. The only constant is chaos, but it is a good kind of chaos with tiny babies and late night cuddles and never knowing what triumphs each day will bring.

So for those of you still with me, know that wherever you are or whatever you may be facing or whatever “unknown” you are currently living, you are not alone in that. And perhaps leaning into the unknown rather than trying to control it is not such a bad thing when it means we get to welcome so much goodness alongside with it.