My Capacity as a Foster Parent

A couple months ago in the middle of the busy Christmas season, I had met up with another foster mom, our babies strapped down in the stroller, walking shoes on, and both of us ready for a time to talk and just be with another woman walking a similar journey. I shared how excited I was for my friends who had just had their baby and how much I loved getting to see their brand new little one when I had dropped off dinner the night before.

I was surprised by her immediate response: “How did you manage to do all that when you have your baby?” My initial reaction was surprise – the dinner I had dropped off wasn’t homemade. I had just picked up dinner from El Pollo Loco on my way to their house, so it didn’t take that much time out of my day. (Luckily I don’t live in the South, where I assume anything other than a homemade meal is an insult to hospitality!) Plus, I love anything to do with babies, so of course I would jump at the chance to welcome a new tiny human. It seemed like a no-brainer to me.

In the moment, I laughed off her response, and responded with a quick comment about picking dinner up for myself anyways. But her words stuck with me (obviously, since I’m still thinking about it months later). Her surprise and seeming understanding that this act had been far above and beyond what I should or could be doing as a mom of a newborn made me question what I was doing.

Was I trying to do too much, filling up my schedule as much as possible as I got swept up in the busy-ness that is practically an American idol? Was I running myself ragged and trying to serve others even as I felt more and more empty inside? Was I not taking the time I should to stay at home, minimize any responsibilities not related to my tiny human, and focus on just him and me?

At times in my life, the answer to any and all of these questions would be a resounding yes. I tend to be a person who takes on too much, who sleeps too little, and who bends over backwards to make sure other people are taken care of. But in this instance, what I had done didn’t feel like that. I was excited to have gotten the chance to visit my friends and hold their new baby. It was fun to get to bond over being new parents since they had supported me every time I had a new baby and now it was finally their turn to become parents. I left feeling refreshed and even better than when I arrived, not like I had poured out myself to serve others.

So what was the difference? Because I can recognize that bringing someone dinner is an act of service – I certainly receive it as such when someone does it for me! So then why was this time different than others times I had done something similar but viewed it as another task I needed to check off my to do list.

I think the answer has to do with capacity, but probably not in the way you think. It has less to do with my own capacity (which is always much smaller than I think it is), and a lot more with the capacity of the God I know as the Creator of all existence. When I am trying to do things only within my own capacity, then I am quickly overworked, stressed, anxious, and constantly feeling guilty for being able to do less than I think I should.

Instead, when I am simply saying yes to showing up every day, when I put myself under God’s capacity rather than trying to do it on my own, then it is so much better. I don’t have to constantly carry the mental load of everything there is to do when I all I really have to do is say yes rather than determine if I can do something within the Tetris-like schedule of my week. I can go through my days enjoying what I get to do each moment, rather than always thinking about the never-ending to do list.

What does this have to do with being a foster parent or with my capacity as an ESH mom? The concept is the same. When someone says, “I don’t know how you do it!” The answer is simply that I don’t. I’m not the one who is doing it all or in charge of my babies’ stories or making sure their birth parents are doing everything they can be. I won’t last long in foster care if I see myself as the one who needs to do it all.

But I can be the one who chooses to show up and just say, “Yes, I am here.” What happens from there is anyone’s guess, but if it’s anything like the crazy and wonderful ride it has been so far, I know it will be so much more than worth it. So I will face each new day with the intent to just show up and not take it upon myself to be in charge of it all. That’s the only way I’ll be able to enjoy all the things I could say yes to – new babies, dinner with friends, and even impromptu revelations from early morning conversations.