I’ve posted before about how It Takes a Village to foster, but I have found this especially true as a single mom. As a single parent in a world that seems to be made for anything but single parenthood, I need reminders of my own strength as well as my need to accept help.
There seems to be an extra pressure to being a parent when you’re single – a pressure I feel coming from both myself and the world around me. It’s easy to feel like I need to do it all and do it all well. People make comments all the time about how hard it must be to be single mom since I don’t have a husband to help share the load. (These comments always make me think how it’s easier not to also have a husband’s schedule to work around in the chaos that is foster care, but maybe that’s just me.)
The truth is, being a single parent is different than parenting with a spouse, but it doesn’t mean I’m alone. I have a whole community of people in my life that surround and support me as a person and as a mom. (And in reality, being an ESH mom is already a different story than having biological kids of my own, so what’s one more difference?) Being a single ESH mom simply means that I need to remind myself more often that I’m not alone.
I recently heard a wonderful podcast episode about singleness on The Hope Project that talked about the unique value of single people in the church. It spoke deeply to my experience as a single person who is fully involved in her church. As a Christian, I have often felt like I’m supposed to have a place in the church but don’t quite belong. I have kids so I’m involved in children’s ministry, but I don’t worry about what schools to place my kids in or what number of kids I’ll stop growing my family at. There are also times that I don’t have a kid in my life (in between placements), but I would still consider myself a mom. I am a parent, but I can’t have conversations with others moms about my husband because he doesn’t exist. I don’t fit into the young adults group, but neither do I belong in a couples’ ministry.
The church is referred to a lot as the family of God, but there’s an unspoken assumption that the church is a substitution family until you can get married and have a “real family.” I am coming to realize I shouldn’t limit my understanding of the family of God to just a husband. I should see my church community as my family, and therefore, be open to relying on them just as I would rely on family.
Maybe other people also need to realize that community is meant to be relied on, and it’s not just me. (I really hope other people are still coming to this realization, and I’m not the last person on earth to be keeping myself from asking for help in the way.) If it is just me, well, then at least I’ll be able to lean on others as I try to change the ways I ask for help and the ways I allow myself to accept help. There are a lot of ways I can accept help as a single ESH mom:
- Living with friends (who are okay with the fact that I can do less around the house when I have a baby)
- Asking a friend to manage a Meal Train that she sends out for me every time I bring a new baby home
- Reaching out to the retired members of my church to see who would be able to babysit for a few hours randomly during the week (if I need to get work done without being distracted or have to attend a meeting sans-baby)
- Keeping a list of people who said to reach out whenever so I can send out requests for tangible things (i.e. a couple hours in the evening to hold a baby so I can shower, help doing dishes and cleaning my kitchen, a person to go on a walk with randomly and to chat and regain some sense of normalcy)
- Welcoming older people in my church to be surrogate grandparents since it never hurst to have more grandparents (i.e. who I can call for last minute needs like I do with my parents)
- Doing life with a MOPS group who has welcomed me with open arms as a true mother and with whom I can share both joys and struggles
- Attending support groups for foster and adoptive parents to learn from others, share experiences, and regain a sense of belonging with other parents
Of course, all these support ideas would work just as well for couples who are fostering or adopting (or raising children in any capacity). But for me, I think realizing that I’m not all alone in this life as an ESH mom is going to be the difference between being a girl who has babies in my home and being a fully present, loving, responsive mom to the ones I get to mother.
ESH Mom Life 