It’s between a month and a half since my last baby left, and I am itching for that next phone call. The phone call that makes my mind go into overdrive and sets my heart racing, where I hear there’s another baby waiting for someone to take them home. The phone call that is both exciting beyond words and a little bit terrifying as a foster mom, because you never really know what you’re signing up for.
But meanwhile, I’m stuck in the in between. My days aren’t ruled by a feeding schedule or the cries of a newborn baby, and everyone always assumes I must be excited to catch up on my sleep. But the truth is, after the first few days of sleeping through the night, I start to see only what I am missing.
My crib is empty, and I don’t even know if the mermaid sheets I have on it now are the sheets my next baby will need. My changing table sits empty, and there are no little hands trying to grasp the animals above. The bassinet is folded up in a corner and the baby carrier hangs above it, waiting to be used. Even my rocking chair is empty, although the blanket draped over it still shouts out a reminder that every child should have a place to call home.
It’s hard for me to be in this place of in between. If I were waiting to welcome a child from my womb, then I would at least have an estimate of how much longer I have to wait. I could be nesting the month before and it would be perfectly normal, even expected, and people would probably ask me every time I was out when my baby was coming and if I was ready.
But instead, I’m left in limbo, eagerly waiting for that baby to come home but with no idea who that baby will be or when they will come. And it’s like this for every foster and adoptive parent, not just for ESH parents. Every moment we have this anticipation in the back of our minds, but we have to carry on with life and work as if this wasn’t our reality.
In this time of in between, friends and family ask if I am taking this time to catch up on sleep and work, to work ahead on homework for my classes, and to enjoy having my life to myself again. The truth is I know a part of me does appreciate being able to answer emails and write papers without constantly listening for my baby’s next cry, but mostly, I miss having a baby to hold, cuddle, and love. I know this time without a baby is important and necessary if I want to continue as an ESH mom for any length of time, but it is still hard in its own way.
I think this in between space is a challenging part of foster care that I did not realize would happen. When I was getting my license, I knew how desperately I longed for that first phone call, how much I did not want to wait a minute longer to bring my first baby home. After all, I had heard this longing and hope from all the other foster and adoptive parents, how long it seemed before they finally got to meet their child. However, no one ever told me (or maybe I didn’t listen when they said) that this ache in my heart would happen every time I was waiting for the next call.
I keep waiting for this call to foster care to diminish, to maybe hit me not so hard while I wait in the in between. And I’m only in my second year of being an ESH mom so maybe it will happen down the road, but so far, I have felt it return every time I have an empty crib waiting for a little body to sleep safe in it. My arms feel just as empty and my heart is fully waiting to meet the next tiny human it gets to love wholly and without boundary.
My challenge to myself as an ESH mom in this in between is to still enjoy the days I get to live even while I’m not caring for a baby. It is to see this time not as a waste, but as a chance to prepare my heart, mind, and life for the time when I am occupied again with all that a baby requires. To use this time to check in with friends and love the people in my life with the extra time in my day that I don’t have when I have a newborn. This time of in between is not a time when I am no longer a mom, it is just part of the rhythm of being an ESH mom.
ESH Mom Life 