Battling Burnout

The biggest numbers challenge of foster care isn’t finding new families who are willing to foster or adopt – it is keeping the families who have said yes. Fostering is hard, so hard, but hard things are the things that matter. So how can foster parents keep themselves from burnout?

While I in no way consider myself an expert on this topic (anyone who knows me know that I tend to take on too much and run myself ragged), I’ve used five different strategies to help myself battle burnout as an ESH mom.

1. Recognizing that I am not in charge. If I think of myself as the person in charge of my babies’ stories, then I would quickly go insane and fostering would be way too hard. While I can be in charge of what I do in my own house and how I love my babies, I do not have control over what birth families do, what social workers do, what judges decide, and ultimately what will happen to my babies. As a Christian, this looks like acknowledging God’s control of every situation in my life, including the lives of these babies. I get to play a part in their lives, but it is not my responsibility (nor is it in within my ability) to “save” all the babies in the world.
2. Loving deeply even as I hold loosely. Part of not having control as an ESH mom includes not knowing how long I will have with each baby. I have to be okay with that and not let it keep me from getting attached to every baby. I have to make a conscious choice (sometimes every hour) to love the baby I am holding in my arms as hard as I can, no matter how long they may be in my life. If I love my babies deeply and hold them tightly in my heart, I would be burnt out after my first few placements. But if I hold them so loosely that I don’t love them with all my heart, then I am not a good ESH mom and cannot give them what they need. The trick is finding the balance in doing both, loving deeply and holding loosely.
3. Staying in the present, rather than worrying about the future. This ties in with the first two strategies, but it still needs to be said. My therapist once told me that depression is getting stuck in the past, while anxiety is getting stuck in future. The key is to stay in the present. Since I don’t have control of where my babies will end up or even how long they will stay with me, I have to keep myself in the present moment I have with them. Getting caught up in the “what if’s” of the future or the “if only’s” of the past not only keeps me from connecting with the baby I am holding in my arms in the present, but it is also a quick way to burn out as a parent.
4. Making sure to notice and appreciate the joy. This was a theme in my last post on how we need to overcome our tendency as humans to focus on the negative. But to battle burnout, I have to take the time to see, celebrate, and remember the good times. The first time I get to cradle a baby in my arms, the quiet times at night when I’m rocking a sleeping baby, the excitement of a birth parent getting to go home with their baby again, the happiness I get to witness at visits as family members meet and love their newest member, the smiles and laughs and giggles of each baby, and even the new milestones I get to witness with a baby – all of these joys are moments I can reflect on in my mind and hold close in my heart for the days when things seem so hard and the long nights make everything seem impossible. For me, keeping a journal and a written list of miracles I have witnessed as an ESH mom have been the most effective way for me to mark these joys.
5. Doing this in community. I have said before how important having a tribe is. Knowing who your people are, surrounding yourself with that community, and both giving and receiving support is absolutely necessary if you’re going to keep doing what you’re doing (foster parent or not). Humans are relational beings, created to be in community, so it should come as no surprise that we burn out if we try to go it alone. Not only does a community help when you can’t do everything yourself (my friends who drop off meals when I get a new placement are the best), but community also exists to help me practice all the other strategies I’ve listed above. As an ESH mom, my community are my encouragers, support givers, wisdom providers, laughter sharers, advice dispensers, relationship providers, and so much more. I could not last as an ESH mom without my community.

These five strategies for battling burnout are what have helped me as an ESH mom, but I also know that they don’t just apply to the life of a single foster mom. No matter what life you are living or what hard but important things you are doing, you are going to have to resist the pitfall of burnout. These strategies may be a good place for you to start, but there are so many more ways people can stay rejuvenated and motivated while avoiding burnout. Whatever works for you, find it and stick with it. The work you’re called to do is too important to allow burnout to call it quits for you.